you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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