I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
