The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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