he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
