New low: just hacked my moms facebook
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize
