I only kidnapped one of them. chill
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Randomize
