Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
he quoted the bible to break up with me
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Let's get the cat blown out
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
