Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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