Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
