Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
