Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
