i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
