i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
