we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
