fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
