Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
