You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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