Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Girls should come with a carfax report
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
