I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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