She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
