you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
