fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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