Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
