We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
