woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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