you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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