The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
