I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
