If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
