I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
