can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
