so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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