I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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