I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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