The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Randomize
