If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
