you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
