9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize