Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
