Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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