Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
