Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
