he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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