There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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