That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
