dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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