She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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