She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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