Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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