Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
