he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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