I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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