You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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