I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
