if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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