I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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