saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
