Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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