I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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