one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize