And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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