I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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