I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
