Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
