I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
