I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
