just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dignity is for republicans.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
